After reading the blog of an real published author it dawned on me that I can't and shouldn't be called a writer. Because if I were a writer like I keep pounding on my chest about, I would have written something worth publishing over the last year, but I haven't. I can't even blame that my work is good and that it just isn't getting seen, because . I. Have. Not. Written. Anything.
Sure I blog here and there and rework my website and myspage page to give the illusion that I am writing. But the truth is I haven't. I piddle around and shuffle the papers of my novel that I started 2 years ago next month. I am still where I left off on it spring of 2006. I talk the talk and never walk the walk. I say I want to be a writer full time, yet I have not attempted to squeeze out anything worth printing. I see real authors working 2 jobs and still pumping out books and articles while I whine about laundry getting in my way. I blame time being short, responsibilities too long, this that and the other, yet what it all boils down to is that I haven't made the effort.
When I came to this epiphany, I decided to go deeper and see if I could figure out why I didn't even try. Am I lazy? (yes, but that is beside the point.) Am I incapable of writing more good material? (no, because when I do get worked up about something I can pump out good stuff) Or am I afraid of success and how I will handle it? (ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!)
Why am I afraid of success? Sure I could continue to blame my parents for this fear, and although I do attribute some of that to them, I am ready to admit it is all me. Which also means it is all me that has to fix it.
What does this mean? I am not sure yet, but the first step toward anything is realizing what you have done wrong. The second is figuring out how to make it right.
It is time to think about what I really want to do about my writing. Did I satisfy the yearning to be a writer with what I have already accomplished or do I take it seriously and take it to the next level? Where do I go from here?
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Me and my irrational fears (Also titled: why my husband is the best)
Me and my irrational fears.
As anyone that has known me for any length of time can attest to: I have lots of irrational fears. I am sure this is because my mother before me had them and like a bad cold, I caught them.
Well today I had the biggest scare of my rather boring summer…let me set the scene…
I am reading unauthorized emails on my myspace page when I am supposed to be working. I read one about 9/11 and watch its video. Still not ready to be productive, I chose another 9/11 video from the list and proceed to watch. It is one made from a 911 call with a man trapped on the 105th floor of the north tower. He is coughing and screaming for help. The call goes on for several minutes as the operator is trying to calm him and relay his message to fire fighters on radios in the stairwells below him. You can hear the 3 in conversations of fear and panic. Then you hear a rumble, a scream then silence. The video set side-by-side with it is the building collapsing. I release a tear, shut down the player and go try to be productive despite the sadness and the insane noise from the floor below us that is coming from the drills and saws of construction.
Not 2 minutes later the fire alarms go off. My first thought was, "Oh shit." My second thought was, "we're all gonna die!"
I grabbed my stuff and acted like a dog trying to lay down for night-back and forth back in forth wondering if it were real or not. Everyone came out of their offices and cubes rather calmly. I pretended I was. We left and headed to the stairwell. It seemed like hundreds of people were in the stairwell with me. As I started down the 3 flights of steps, my adrenaline kicked in. I was moving faster then my brain was realizing and before I knew it we were on the ground and headed outside.
It was a fire drill.
After we all get back inside I decide to call my husband and tell him about my heart attack. And explained it as seen above.
He said, "you are on the 3rd floor of a 5 story building with only maybe a hundred people in the whole thing. Are you sure there were hundreds of thousands of people in the stairs?"
"Yes! I am certain! You know I am afraid of dying in fires, going down stairs, heights…"
"I know, bridges, water, am I leaving anything out?" He chuckles
"No, just put me in a box in the corner and I will live there." I am still shaking from the whole ordeal thinking that it is the best idea I have had all years.
"I can't, your claustrophobic."
"Oh, yeah right."
I laugh so hard I nearly pee myself.
As anyone that has known me for any length of time can attest to: I have lots of irrational fears. I am sure this is because my mother before me had them and like a bad cold, I caught them.
Well today I had the biggest scare of my rather boring summer…let me set the scene…
I am reading unauthorized emails on my myspace page when I am supposed to be working. I read one about 9/11 and watch its video. Still not ready to be productive, I chose another 9/11 video from the list and proceed to watch. It is one made from a 911 call with a man trapped on the 105th floor of the north tower. He is coughing and screaming for help. The call goes on for several minutes as the operator is trying to calm him and relay his message to fire fighters on radios in the stairwells below him. You can hear the 3 in conversations of fear and panic. Then you hear a rumble, a scream then silence. The video set side-by-side with it is the building collapsing. I release a tear, shut down the player and go try to be productive despite the sadness and the insane noise from the floor below us that is coming from the drills and saws of construction.
Not 2 minutes later the fire alarms go off. My first thought was, "Oh shit." My second thought was, "we're all gonna die!"
I grabbed my stuff and acted like a dog trying to lay down for night-back and forth back in forth wondering if it were real or not. Everyone came out of their offices and cubes rather calmly. I pretended I was. We left and headed to the stairwell. It seemed like hundreds of people were in the stairwell with me. As I started down the 3 flights of steps, my adrenaline kicked in. I was moving faster then my brain was realizing and before I knew it we were on the ground and headed outside.
It was a fire drill.
After we all get back inside I decide to call my husband and tell him about my heart attack. And explained it as seen above.
He said, "you are on the 3rd floor of a 5 story building with only maybe a hundred people in the whole thing. Are you sure there were hundreds of thousands of people in the stairs?"
"Yes! I am certain! You know I am afraid of dying in fires, going down stairs, heights…"
"I know, bridges, water, am I leaving anything out?" He chuckles
"No, just put me in a box in the corner and I will live there." I am still shaking from the whole ordeal thinking that it is the best idea I have had all years.
"I can't, your claustrophobic."
"Oh, yeah right."
I laugh so hard I nearly pee myself.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Things are about to get Crazy!
Things are about to get Crazy!
Wow! I just looked at my calendar from now until Thanksgiving and WOW! I am gonna be working it in a big way!
I started a class today which runs until Oct 13. It is a core class in my bachelor's degree so it is going to be a hard one with a lot of reading, writing and researching. I know I will like it once I get in a rhythm.
I just accepted a teaching position at my college that I got my associates degree through. So from October 1 – Nov 10th I will be teaching medical administration from 6-10 pm Mon, Tues, and Thurs. This will be my first class and thankfully it is small. I am determined to get over my fear of speaking in front of people. I will also have to plan lessons, create tests, and grade work.
I am still working full time at the non-profit as well, during the day.
I also have a son in pee-wee football through middle October and every other weekend my teens are with me for the weekend.
Oh did I mention that the battery of testing and visits to specialist begin now through middle October on my kidneys?
Oh and I have a house to clean, pets to feed.
And I am a mentor and surrogate big sister to several amazing students (and some of their awesome friends).
Also, I am trying to launch my business Shannon Anicas Creations.
Busy? Who me? Naw…ask me in a few weeks as I collapse on the floor in stress….lol
But for now, I will be on myspace less working and studying more. Wish me luck!
Wow! I just looked at my calendar from now until Thanksgiving and WOW! I am gonna be working it in a big way!
I started a class today which runs until Oct 13. It is a core class in my bachelor's degree so it is going to be a hard one with a lot of reading, writing and researching. I know I will like it once I get in a rhythm.
I just accepted a teaching position at my college that I got my associates degree through. So from October 1 – Nov 10th I will be teaching medical administration from 6-10 pm Mon, Tues, and Thurs. This will be my first class and thankfully it is small. I am determined to get over my fear of speaking in front of people. I will also have to plan lessons, create tests, and grade work.
I am still working full time at the non-profit as well, during the day.
I also have a son in pee-wee football through middle October and every other weekend my teens are with me for the weekend.
Oh did I mention that the battery of testing and visits to specialist begin now through middle October on my kidneys?
Oh and I have a house to clean, pets to feed.
And I am a mentor and surrogate big sister to several amazing students (and some of their awesome friends).
Also, I am trying to launch my business Shannon Anicas Creations.
Busy? Who me? Naw…ask me in a few weeks as I collapse on the floor in stress….lol
But for now, I will be on myspace less working and studying more. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
The beginning of the end of an era
I knew that fateful day in February 2001, was the beginning of the end of an era. The last of a dying breed had passed and what was left to carry on was another class of souls.
This other class of souls became infatuated with fame and fortune instead of dust and grease. Gone were the mighty soldiers that worked hard day and night; blood, sweat, and tears mixed with oil and steel.
Gone were the giants of loyalty and values, where their word was enough and their handshake said it all. In its place are people selling out to the highest bidder and seeking headlines versus trophies.
No longer can you count on your heroes of the asphalt, for they will turn their back on who made them who they are for the right price. They flip flop their "loyalties" faster then they can change a tire and change their minds.
I have been a loyal fan; better yet they were family; coming into my living room, me going to their haunts. I never shopped the competitor's sponsors, I never crossed the lines, and I and my family were loyal, now we are left asking why.
I knew when things started becoming so PC that you were afraid to blow your nose without being fined, that this was another step toward the grave, such as the change of the main sponsor, because it might offend or lead others astray.
Then came race name changes, only so many allowed in their elite field, venues shutting down, grandfather clauses and silly seasons. Then there was the Chase. All they are chasing is dollar signs and points not wins. What happened to our sport?
Since when is Japanese part of any American sport?
It breaks my heart to watch them cater to a crowd of flash-in-the-pan stars and would-be celebrities. Where are you roots planted now, certainly not where they started.
So go on swapping teams, driver, sponsors and words. Time will move on and as the wave of the fame crashes down, watch around to who is there to clean up. Not many if you keep on your path, only the die-hards if that.
If He were still around it wouldn't be this way. And I know he is turning over in his grave.
So to you money hungry, power happy, Hollywood ass kissing, back-stabbing phonies heed this warning, keep this up and not only will your stands continue to stay empty and your ratings drop, but we will take joy in watching you flop.
I am sticking by my man, for with his bowtie he shall stand strong and fierce, a knight of His army of steel and asphalt. Black or yellow I will stay true.
So as He looks down from above at this disappointing sight one wonders if it is even worth the fight.
I hope that one day it will go back to the way it once was: steel, sweat, oil, asphalt, and burnouts, true celebrations and winning at all cost. But for now I just watch and weep as the loss of an era sinks in deep.
This other class of souls became infatuated with fame and fortune instead of dust and grease. Gone were the mighty soldiers that worked hard day and night; blood, sweat, and tears mixed with oil and steel.
Gone were the giants of loyalty and values, where their word was enough and their handshake said it all. In its place are people selling out to the highest bidder and seeking headlines versus trophies.
No longer can you count on your heroes of the asphalt, for they will turn their back on who made them who they are for the right price. They flip flop their "loyalties" faster then they can change a tire and change their minds.
I have been a loyal fan; better yet they were family; coming into my living room, me going to their haunts. I never shopped the competitor's sponsors, I never crossed the lines, and I and my family were loyal, now we are left asking why.
I knew when things started becoming so PC that you were afraid to blow your nose without being fined, that this was another step toward the grave, such as the change of the main sponsor, because it might offend or lead others astray.
Then came race name changes, only so many allowed in their elite field, venues shutting down, grandfather clauses and silly seasons. Then there was the Chase. All they are chasing is dollar signs and points not wins. What happened to our sport?
Since when is Japanese part of any American sport?
It breaks my heart to watch them cater to a crowd of flash-in-the-pan stars and would-be celebrities. Where are you roots planted now, certainly not where they started.
So go on swapping teams, driver, sponsors and words. Time will move on and as the wave of the fame crashes down, watch around to who is there to clean up. Not many if you keep on your path, only the die-hards if that.
If He were still around it wouldn't be this way. And I know he is turning over in his grave.
So to you money hungry, power happy, Hollywood ass kissing, back-stabbing phonies heed this warning, keep this up and not only will your stands continue to stay empty and your ratings drop, but we will take joy in watching you flop.
I am sticking by my man, for with his bowtie he shall stand strong and fierce, a knight of His army of steel and asphalt. Black or yellow I will stay true.
So as He looks down from above at this disappointing sight one wonders if it is even worth the fight.
I hope that one day it will go back to the way it once was: steel, sweat, oil, asphalt, and burnouts, true celebrations and winning at all cost. But for now I just watch and weep as the loss of an era sinks in deep.
Monday, September 3, 2007
Ode to my kidneys
As far back as I can remember I have always had problems with my kidneys. As I had children they became over worked and often infected. This caused them to weaken. By the third pregnancy my kidneys began to rebel.
After the very difficult 3rd pregnancy and delivery they really became taxed. I lost a lot of blood during the emergency c-section so they filled me with IV fluids instead of blood to build up my volume. After that nightmare, I began retaining inhuman amounts of water because my kidneys weren't processing it fast enough. I went to the doctor and was told this was "pregnancy weight" and to stop eating start exercising. During my appendix surgery my surgeon said they couldn't believe the amount of fluid in my tissues and they sucked a lot out. It wasn't until I had gotten really sick that I lost 50 lbs finally.
I was doing ok until we moved from Ohio to Slidell, and I sank into a deep depression. I was put on medication that caused an adverse reaction and it caused me to retain 40 lbs of water in 48 hours. I was hospitalized and tested for everything. I had kidney studies done and they said my kidneys were dilated but "inconclusive" I hate that word inconclusive. I was put on fluid restrictions and give diuretics. Even on the max dose I wasn't getting rid of the fluid. We moved on to base housing because I needed to be around people instead of the isolation I was feeling. I spent the next year and a half putting on another 60 lbs. not all water but still I put them on.
Finally made head way on losing some weight and then we transferred to North Carolina. I joined weight watchers and lost 40 lbs. So I know that isn't water. But every time I do any activities my hands and feet swell worse then when I was pregnant. I still am swollen everywhere. I don't sweat like a normal person and I am in the bathroom a thousand times a day and night.
We move back to Ohio and I do a cheer because my doctor who actually listens to me is here, I am sure he can help. He tries, but every test is inconclusive. I get the horrid spasms in my kidneys so they put me on antibiotics for months at a time. I finally started feeling better, until 2 weeks ago.
It began with horrible pains in my upper abdominal area. It got worse as the day went on, and I realized I had kidney stones. I started drinking like the world was coming to an end and I was right I gave birth to five stones in 2 days. I thought it was over.
This Saturday, I started having the pain again, so I started the routine of bottle of water then bottle of cranberry juice every few minutes or so. I noticed that I was bleeding. Great. I call the doctor he says go to the ER. Last time I did this they were inconclusive and I got a $3000 plus bill that I can't pay and still no better. So I choose not to go and I stuffer through the birth of 2 stones and the continuing pain and bleeding.
I am really beginning to think my kidneys hate me. Anytime I find happiness they have to act up and get all rebellious on me. I hate it. I am going to get into m doctor this week and try to go to a specialist. I just hope all my borderline sickness and inconclusive results are enough to get someone's attention to fix me before it is too late.
PS I am accepting donations..... of icecream....
After the very difficult 3rd pregnancy and delivery they really became taxed. I lost a lot of blood during the emergency c-section so they filled me with IV fluids instead of blood to build up my volume. After that nightmare, I began retaining inhuman amounts of water because my kidneys weren't processing it fast enough. I went to the doctor and was told this was "pregnancy weight" and to stop eating start exercising. During my appendix surgery my surgeon said they couldn't believe the amount of fluid in my tissues and they sucked a lot out. It wasn't until I had gotten really sick that I lost 50 lbs finally.
I was doing ok until we moved from Ohio to Slidell, and I sank into a deep depression. I was put on medication that caused an adverse reaction and it caused me to retain 40 lbs of water in 48 hours. I was hospitalized and tested for everything. I had kidney studies done and they said my kidneys were dilated but "inconclusive" I hate that word inconclusive. I was put on fluid restrictions and give diuretics. Even on the max dose I wasn't getting rid of the fluid. We moved on to base housing because I needed to be around people instead of the isolation I was feeling. I spent the next year and a half putting on another 60 lbs. not all water but still I put them on.
Finally made head way on losing some weight and then we transferred to North Carolina. I joined weight watchers and lost 40 lbs. So I know that isn't water. But every time I do any activities my hands and feet swell worse then when I was pregnant. I still am swollen everywhere. I don't sweat like a normal person and I am in the bathroom a thousand times a day and night.
We move back to Ohio and I do a cheer because my doctor who actually listens to me is here, I am sure he can help. He tries, but every test is inconclusive. I get the horrid spasms in my kidneys so they put me on antibiotics for months at a time. I finally started feeling better, until 2 weeks ago.
It began with horrible pains in my upper abdominal area. It got worse as the day went on, and I realized I had kidney stones. I started drinking like the world was coming to an end and I was right I gave birth to five stones in 2 days. I thought it was over.
This Saturday, I started having the pain again, so I started the routine of bottle of water then bottle of cranberry juice every few minutes or so. I noticed that I was bleeding. Great. I call the doctor he says go to the ER. Last time I did this they were inconclusive and I got a $3000 plus bill that I can't pay and still no better. So I choose not to go and I stuffer through the birth of 2 stones and the continuing pain and bleeding.
I am really beginning to think my kidneys hate me. Anytime I find happiness they have to act up and get all rebellious on me. I hate it. I am going to get into m doctor this week and try to go to a specialist. I just hope all my borderline sickness and inconclusive results are enough to get someone's attention to fix me before it is too late.
PS I am accepting donations..... of icecream....
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