Sunday, May 10, 2009

Two-weeks to revamp my 'tude

Is it Mississippi I miss or is it the people or is it the ability to be yourself and no need to put on appearances?

I am not sure why I feel I need to be someone or something living up here but no matter how hard I try to be myself the more I hide under the layers of what others expect of me.

I was looking through a friends pictures and everyone was so happy and relaxed. Comfortably dressed and it reminded me of how good I felt when I went back home last summer. After I pulled the stick outta my ass and just was in the moment. I relaxed and enjoyed every last bead of sweat falling down my Wal-Mart tank top as I sat in the sun with my fat ass in jean shorts and flip flops. I wasn’t trying to be anything but present. And you know what it was amazing.

Then I came back hope to Ohio, got fired, freaked out and decided to return to college where I attempt to be something I am not—18 again. Sure I feel 18 inside but dressing in their catchy clothes and latest fads is exhausting. I go home feeling frumpy and fat. I go back the next day and feel like they are laughing at me. It is like I am 18 all over again but in the-back in high school-need to fit in-I am not good enough way.

So what do I do? For that I am taking the two weeks off between classes to start to figure that out. How do I find balance with myself and with whom I feel I need to be? Only time will tell.

PS: My grades are totally awesome and I am excelling at the academics of it all. Just having a mid-thirties crisis.

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