Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Where I go from here?

After reading the blog of an real published author it dawned on me that I can't and shouldn't be called a writer. Because if I were a writer like I keep pounding on my chest about, I would have written something worth publishing over the last year, but I haven't. I can't even blame that my work is good and that it just isn't getting seen, because . I. Have. Not. Written. Anything.

Sure I blog here and there and rework my website and myspage page to give the illusion that I am writing. But the truth is I haven't. I piddle around and shuffle the papers of my novel that I started 2 years ago next month. I am still where I left off on it spring of 2006. I talk the talk and never walk the walk. I say I want to be a writer full time, yet I have not attempted to squeeze out anything worth printing. I see real authors working 2 jobs and still pumping out books and articles while I whine about laundry getting in my way. I blame time being short, responsibilities too long, this that and the other, yet what it all boils down to is that I haven't made the effort.

When I came to this epiphany, I decided to go deeper and see if I could figure out why I didn't even try. Am I lazy? (yes, but that is beside the point.) Am I incapable of writing more good material? (no, because when I do get worked up about something I can pump out good stuff) Or am I afraid of success and how I will handle it? (ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!)

Why am I afraid of success? Sure I could continue to blame my parents for this fear, and although I do attribute some of that to them, I am ready to admit it is all me. Which also means it is all me that has to fix it.

What does this mean? I am not sure yet, but the first step toward anything is realizing what you have done wrong. The second is figuring out how to make it right.

It is time to think about what I really want to do about my writing. Did I satisfy the yearning to be a writer with what I have already accomplished or do I take it seriously and take it to the next level? Where do I go from here?

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