Part 5: Everyday is a winding road…

Life after my initial shock is settling in to a rhythm. I get up, fix breakfast, lunch, clean, etc. I have time to do the things I used to try to cram into my busy schedule. I have been cooking dinner and because of that we aren’t eating out, we are eating much healthier and we are saving money.

I am learning how to plan a menu, shop frugally, have a cleaning routine and have time for the kids.

I have time to read a book and find myself hardly watching TV. I hang out outside with the kids and have a fabulous tan to prove it.

This new life has helped reduce my stress levels, the same levels that caused me to be put on 6 different medications to handle said stress. And because of reduced stress I am able to wean myself (with Dr’s permission) off many of the medications. Our hopes are to be down to no more then 2 medications by years end. Between removing the major cause of my stress and increasing my activities, this is possible.

I have been sleeping so much better! No more sleepless nights worrying about the next days tactics to stay out of people’s way. I can just go to sleep and wake up refreshed and ready for my day. I also have tons more energy then I did before. I am thinking the good nights sleep, good diet, less meds, and more activity is the cause there. How ever it is happening, I am loving it.

Now that I have you caught up with my 5 part series. I hope to post more regularly about cool stuff or whatever pops in my head. Until next time!!!

Part 4: End of the world as we know it….

I can’t go into details about that day due to current situations. But I will say I was terminated and sent home by 1:00 p.m.

I went down to my friend and hairdresser’s shop on the first floor and cried for a while. She told me as she hugged me good bye, “everything happens for a reason.” I have heard that so many times before when things were going on, but for some reason I believed it this time.

I went home and told the kids and John. I immediately started brain storming on what I would need to do to help out with expenses since we were minus my income.

In the days that followed the termination I had a massive yard sale. I had been planning on doing one anyway and after seeing Erik’s clean and clutter-free house, I wanted to trim the fat so to speak.

Cool thing with having a yard sale was that not only did I get rid of lots of stuff I didn’t need/use, but I made $100 and got an awesome tan.

Luckily we had a plan in place in case of emergency and at least for a month or two we are ok with $$. I will be going grocery shopping for the next month or so and cooking all our meals. This will save money and help out John who has been doing all the cooking for the last, well forever.

I also have plans to attack the house, rearrange and purge things, this will keep my hands busy thereby keeping my mind busy so it can’t think about the fact we just lost a huge chunk of income with me losing my job, plus we have no health insurance for me or Johnathan.

My brain is spinning…until next time…

Part 3: Home again home again, jiggity jig….

Now that my internet is up and running again here is the next installment...

18 hours is a long drive and even longer when you are towing a Bronco.

We were bringing to Ohio John's Bronco that we had to leave behind when we transferred from New Orleans to North Carolina in June 2005. He has been chomping at the bit to get it home so he could get it running for three years now, thus why we were in a truck, not the van to drive down. We borrowed Aunt Robin's very awesome truck (which I loved driving around MS, I was afraid of such a big truck after driving a Mustang for 4 years, but that quickly changed) and rented a tow-dolly to bring her home with us.



I has still super relaxed because of the awesome time we had in Mississippi. The trip opened my eyes and mind to the way I perceived life and the way it really was. It showed me that at the pace I was living, worrying, stress, etc, I was not really enjoying the little things in life like I should be. The perception of the South is that life is slower and laid back, and it is that and more. Being in the South opened my eyes to way of life that I didn't realize I missed until I was immersed in it. Not to bash living in the north because it is wonderful in its own way.



People were respectful of each other and they were friendly. I met so many of my brothers friends and neighbors and everyone of them treated me as if they had know me for years, not just a few minutes. When we were hanging out at Erik's house there was this great energy all around us. I wish I could have bottled it. Don't get me wrong they work their asses off when they have to, but life wasn't about all work and no play. It was a life of working hard deserves playing hard and you work to live not live to work. They soaked up every last drop of off time whether cooking and eating great food, watching a game, or simply sitting in the front yard listening to stories or listening to nature. Whatever they did they did it so that they and their families could relax and enjoy life. This was something that I needed to rediscover so desperately and it happened at the most perfect moment when I needed it most. It was like recharging my batteries and boy did they need recharging.



Another wonderful lesson that I needed to relearn is one that I observed in my brothers amazing fiancé Ashley. When we met I instantly loved her to death and admired her confidence and attitude. She told me she was who she was and didn't give a shit what anyone wanted her to be because take or leave she was herself and that wasn't going to change. To me this is a foreign concept. I try to be so many things for so many people. I dress like I think I should for work and other things, even though I am miserable and super self conscious. Now, Ash is no slob and she has effortless beauty, but above all she is comfortable in her skin. I was envious. I decided then and there I was going to learn or rather relearn how I thought of myself. Once these thoughts began to process, I was feeling the weight of all this self consciousness lift. I was regaining Me back.



So I send a great big thanks to Erik and Ash for everything and more.



Back to the drive home…



We took our time driving home because we planned to stop for the night in Kentucky so we could sleep and drive home the next day. We stopped in every state, both because we drank too much and needed breaks and because I was determined to get a shot glass from every state on the way home. Plus, I had to replace the Bama one I got because I gave it to Ash because she is a HUGE Alabama fan. I got some great ones from all over. My collection tripled in size on this trip. (pictures to follow)



I felt great up until we stopped for the night in Ky. That is when I started stressing out. I got sick to my stomach, couldn't sleep and was extremely anxious. I tried to hide it and said it was because of the driving. John was worried that I would lose my happiness I gained on the vacation, I was worried I was walking into a huge trap when I returned to work. Don't ask me how or why, but my intuition told me this was the calm before the storm.



The next day we continue on our journey. I slept a lot to make up for the non-sleeping in the hotel. The further we got into Ohio the more dread I felt. Mind you I loved my job, just not the abuse I was receiving. My last week there was a huge push to drive me over the edge and every time I thought of quitting, I reminded myself of the vacation coming up and how I'd feel better when I got back. I was just overstressed and needed the time off to refresh my spirit. But I began to feel like I had never left. I tried to sleep between the very boring parts of the drive (between Cincinnati & Columbus) but I kept having nightmares of returning to work. Because we stayed longer then expected we would have no recovery time when we got home. We got in around 4:30 Sunday night.



We unloaded and I felt so anxious that I decided to take a trip to Wal*Mart. I walked around trying to shake this feeling of dread. Usually shopping (even if I don't buy anything) had a calming effect on me, but not today. I picked up a couple of things and checked out. I ran into Aunt Daisy and Uncle John while there which was cool. I headed home.



When I got back I tried to busy myself by unpacking and getting everything ready for the next day at work. I tried to go to bed early but despite all my sleeping and anxiety meds (most of which I had to start taking due to my work environment) I tossed and turned all night. When I finally would doze off I would have nightmares. I gave up trying to sleep at 5. I knew I needed to get up soon anyway.


I got ready for work and drove in. I parked in my usual spot and headed in for my morning routine-pick up paper, unlock door, start computer, turn off answering service, start coffee. But something was amiss. The paper was not there, the door unlocked, the phones on, the coffee started. Hmm. That was odd. No biggie, maybe they were giving me time to catch up on my emails and get settled in, after all I was gone for 12 days (on a vacation that was approved in March). Boy was I in for a surprise…

Some Gaps in postings

I want to play catch up of sorts. My last real post was for my birthday and I left it unfinished. I also wanted to tell everyone about the awesome vacation and before I could I returned to work to be unjustly fired for what I can’t say due to pending lawsuits I am pursuing. Then I went into what I like to call “lock down mode,” which is when I shut down and go on auto pilot in order to self preserve. It is kind of a form of shock. Now that I have had a week to recover and regroup, I want to fill in those posts. So I will be playing catch up today.

First, I have to go clean house and play with Johnathan. But I want to leave you with a little something to think about. It came to me in my daily newsletter about meditation. I have been trying to learn to do it to help deal with the enormous amount of stress I was under at my day job. Today’s focus was perfect and I want to share it with you:

The only way to keep the mind pure is by constantly scrubbing it of the opinions that accumulate like grime.

So, as I go scrub grime out of my kitchen, I am mentally scrubbing the grime of my thoughts. Once again I am choosing positive thoughts over self doubt. If you have tools that you use to keep on this path, feel free to share them. I am always opened to new ways of thinking.

Peace and love to all,

Shannon
PS: On a totally random note, I am sad that Avatar is over. L I love that cartoon.

Life is only possible with love and support

Once the shock of a life change happens, you can stop and reflect on what you could have done, should have done different, or you can choose to stop and reflect on your blessings. I have chosen the latter.

I am blessed with an amazing family, both my own and my in-laws, I am forever grateful for the week that I had with my family in Mississippi. They are wonderful people that I am lucky enough to have gotten to really know for the first time.

I am blessed with the most amazing friends. I have friends I have known my whole life and some I have never met other then in cyberspace and some I just met. I am lucky to have each and every one of you.

I have an amazing and supportive husband and the awesome children who complete me. I go to sleep each night thanking God for bringing you to me.
So with this, I push on knowing that everything happens for a reason, life does go on, but most of all, you can survive anything with the support of family & friends. Thank you.

Fight or Flight?

Fight or flight, according to my physiology classes is the most basic of all instincts of all living things. It is a mechanism of presentation and survival whether in a situation in life or a destruction of a species. It is ingrained in all living DNA that when we are attacked we either fight of our attacker or escape as quickly as possible to avoid certain destruction.

Everyday we are faced with smaller battles but we react in the same ways. For example, a car cuts you off on the way to work do you a) speed up and tail him glaring at him until you reach your destination or b) do you move out of his way, slowing down further just in case he decides to slam on his brakes so you can hit him. When someone is rude to you is your reaction to smile and pretend it doesn't bother you and walk away or are you ready to throw a punch?

While these aren't life and death situations, over time your mind keeps a tally of them. If you are a fighter you always come out with the gloves on while on the other extreme you become invisible and avoid the confrontation. But what happens when a flighter is tired or running away and tired of putting up with crap and tired of being invisible--they grow in to a fighter.

Does growing from a flighter to a fighter accomplish what the person believes it should? Or is there a way to balance the best of both worlds? Can we find a happy medium from which to learn and grow?

Personally, I have been a flighter, invisible, holding it all inside, internalizing everything while replaying it over and over in my mind like a broken record. I get all worked up over it. I have done this at work, at home, in stores whatever. But for how long can I keep running? When or more importantly how do I stop running?

In my head and of course after the fact I am play over and over what I should have said or would say if I could go back in time and be a stronger version of myself. I also tell myself I won’t let it happen again. Only it does.

I also notice when I am overloaded with pressures of running and people’s meanness I eventually explode or in some cases implode. Exploding by going off on an innocent bystander or implode by becoming withdrawn and depressed. I hate that. With a passion.

How do we teach ourselves to go against the grain or walk in an unchartered path after years of doing the same thing over and over. I have heard the saying that when you do the same thing over and over and expect different results it is a sign of insanity. Maybe there is something to that.

Dreaming again

It has been awhile since I have been able to write without disruption of school, homework, and stress from work, sickness, etc. and I am feeling the dreamer creep back into me.

I started feeling the slow warmth of creativity when this weekend, for my anniversary, we took along walk around Borders. When I crossed the threshold into the land of words, I could hear tiny, incomprehensible words coming from all directions. With each step they grew louder, but not clearer. I headed for the fiction section and upon turning into the first aisle it looked like a candy store. Bright colors, rich textures, shiny objects abound. I reached out and touched the spine of a red book and I could hear it saying "write, write again," as clearly as I could hear the pages of the book the person next to me was reading, turn. With every touch of my finger to a spine the voices changed, but the message was the same "write, write again!"

My process of writing is probably not as unique as I think, but here it goes: I have to dream it into life. Whether it is a casual day dream or a wake me up at 2:00 a.m. and write it down, it has to come from somewhere deep inside. Like the proverbial can of worms, it has to be opened. I think this is why I go for such long bouts of not writing; because I don't dream it therefore it will not come.

When I am stressed it is like cholesterol blocking my creative veins. I can't do much beyond surviving without creating more stress. When I have those paths wide open my dreams come back, thus my writing begins again to move freely from my thoughts to the keys clicking away.

So, I am dreaming and creating new worlds again and I couldn't be happier

I'm back....

At least I am until I get stressed out from work, school and life. I do that, shut down when I get stressed. I lose all my creativity, all my fire that drives my writing. It sucks, but I am learning to live with it, and improve on it.

We have been busy also. Johnathan has started t-ball and is pretty darn good. He has only ever played at home and this is his first time playing in organized sports. He is having a ball.

Well I am going to be updating my blogs with stuff I have written since I last posted. I also will be updating my website soon. I am switching formats and it takes awhile for me to get things converted and imported. So pardon the dust.

To all my friends who have been supporting me in the last few weeks, I love you all. And thanks for standing by me (and kicking my butt when necessary)

Finally, I am going to attempt to get writing again. I kinda quit sending out submissions when we were in the midst of our move and then getting settled and getting a job, (continue to insert excuse here) but time to get back in the game.

Ok, I am off to dig out my blogs to post on here. If I am on line say hi!

Muah!
Shannon

Who put the bull’s-eye on my back?

This has been a week from hell. That whole law of attraction really does work, even if it is an attraction of shitty days.

I have been having difficulties at work with a co-worker who has a very different and strong personality. It has caused me to doubt myself in ways I hadn't in a very long time. It has worn down on my psyche for days. I internalized my emotions and they pushed themselves out in the forms of migraines and fever blisters. I am so worn down emotionally that I would rather walk into traffic then deal with this person at work.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job. I love 95% of the people I work with. I just have a personality conflict with one, very important person. Today I finally had a breakthrough thanks to one of my co-workers who gave me a different perspective to how to deal with things.

I tend to take my work to heart and very personally. I put everything into what I do, so when something I do is trashed I take it personally. This is something I have to work on with myself, I know this. But this is what is happening. The co-worker that is difficult has no tact when she is correcting you and despite spending 40 years in education she is I tend to take my work to heart and very personally. I put everything into what I do, so when something I do is trashed I take it personally. This is something I have to work on with myself, I know this.
But this is what is happening. The co-worker that is difficult has no tact when she is correcting you and despite spending 40 years in education she is not a good teacher.

Needless to say it has been a long week. I have been told a thousand times, "it isn't you it is her." I know this, but I still internalized it. And that is my fault.
Ok so I finally start decompressing and letting things go.

Yesterday John told me my mom called as we were on the way out the door to Johnathan's first t-ball game. I figured I would call her today before I left for today's t-ball game, which is exactly what I did.

Well, the conversation and stress from finally decompressing to new heights of extreme explosions. She read my blog. After 2 years of being on the World Wide Web, venting my thoughts, frustrations, emotions etc, she finally reads it. And she is pissed. Appently venting to my audience of 10 is not good. As if the years in therapy, yacking my friends ears off and crying on my spouse and mother-in-laws shoulders wasn't airing her dirty laundry. Um ok. I an supposed to what, stop writing? Not even a consideration. I will never stop writing how I feel or what I think. I have internalized things my whole life, It is how I deal with life and its inevitable curve balls.

So apparently I talk to my dad too much and her not enough. Which is funny because I talked to my dad once in the last three months to tell him about a beer show on A&E. I also have apparently burned my bridges and can never go back. Yeah ok. I burned those bridges 15 years ago when I left home. Now if it could just work both ways…

Step 1- Gratitude

My gratitude's

The first step in The Secret is to recognize what you are grateful for. By showing thanks for the blessing in your life you can in turn receive even bigger blessings. Here are my beginning list of blessings. I am sure that I have forgotten something, but that doesn't mean I am not grateful for it, it just means I am human and had a momentary lapse of reason.


I am grateful for the very breath I take and the fact that I can wake every morning. I am grateful for my health, wealth and knowledge.


I am blessed in having a wonderful husband, amazing children and the family that I have both through marriage and through birth.


I am grateful for the time I have had with those who are no longer of this earth. May the rest in peace and know how much then meant to me.


Everyday I thank God for the beauty of nature. I love the world around me and marvel in its grandness. I am in awe of creatures great and small and all that they achieve.


I am thankful for my home and my possessions. I have so many blessings of things both material and immaterial that they are too great to name here.


I am thankful for myspace for it has brought me in touch with people I haven't seen or spoken to in some cases decades. It has shortened the space of time and miles between friends both old and new.


I am grateful for the fact that I was fired from the law office in North Carolina because it gave me the motivation to pursue my dream of writing. With the time off I wrote many wonderful stories and was published many times.


I am thankful that I was let go from Women's Health Center. In this potential heartache, I was given the opportunity to work a temporary assignment with a amazing company which lead me to the job I was offered and accepted this week. This position is not a job but a career and I wouldn't have found it without being released from the job I had prior.


I am blessed in my life with my two cats that I adore. They are like children to me. They soothe a stressed day by loving me unconditionally.


There are so many things that I am grateful for and those are just a few of them.
I challenge you to look at what you are grateful for instead of what you are frustrated with. By doing so you will surprise yourself with how relaxed you become. Stop concentrating on the things you hate about your life and start being thankful and you life will change instantly.

No More Power

After watching yet another marathon of Sex and the City, I found myself relating to several of the topics. This time the one that got the old brain going was the episode in which she her book and her relationship with Adian were under review. Her quote, "When it comes to life and love, why do we believe our worst reviews?" really rang true for me.

My whole life I have always believed the worst of myself and the worst of what others said of me. I know I am not alone in this thought process.

And why is that one bad review can destroy 10 years of good ones? It is the whole "one step forward ten steps back" mantra. But why? How can we value what others think so much that we devalue ourselves?

How is it that at a young age we are told we can be anything, do anything but as adults and adolescents we can never measure up? Why the double standard? Do we suddenly turn into frogs at the age of 13? Do we grow three heads and transform into hideous monsters?

No matter how good I feel now let me run into someone made me feel insecure when I was 16 and I revert back to that awkward teen, not the nearly 36 year old accomplished woman I am now.

Case in point: in surfing myspace for old friends I came across the girl who stole my boyfriend my senior year. She not only stole him but she managed to make the next 2 years a living hell form me by ruining my reputation, putting pictures of me in men's rest rooms in Bay St. Louis and Waveland with my home phone and what sexual favors I would do for them (all of which was NOT true) . I left town in 1990 by joining the Navy, and haven't seen her until I saw her on myspace this week. She went on to marry the guy and it appears they are still married.

Just seeing her face in her profile again brought me back to 1989 and the embarrassment of the whole ordeal. Gone were the published articles, the awesome kids I have raised and the amazing husband I have. I was 17 again. Why do I let her have that kind of power over me?
Why do we wear our insecurities as overcoats and our accomplished buried underneath?

I am not that girl she tormented, hell I wasn't even who she said I was then.

According to The Secret, I need to forgive her to get past it. Thank her for giving me the experience that came from it in order to move beyond that time in my life that I still harbor.

So here it goes…Regina Cuevas I forgive you for stealing Brian Breaux from me and destroying my reputation beyond repair. By forcing me out of town you gave me the chance to see the world and meet great people. I have a wonderful husband and awesome kids. The pain you caused me led to me writing which I wouldn't trade for the world; in fact I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. It made me who I am today: a great mom, super wife, successful writer, an accomplished student and one hell of a woman, scars and all.

You have been released….and so have I.

Random thoughts...

Since coming to myspace over a year ago I have gotten back in touch with alot of friends from grade school to high school. I don't know why this thought came to me today, probably because we are entering the count down to our 20th high school reunion, but I remember being teased relentlessly for 3 things growing up because they made me look different then everyone else.


No I don't have 3 heads but I have very distinctive green eyes, very full lips and a very ample chest. Now what I find hysterical is that women now pay a fortune for these three things. They buy colored contacts to have unique eye colors. They pay for injections to give themselves the pouty lips and you can order it with a side of boob job.


Now I am not saying anything is wrong with plastic surgery, and I am sure if I had the money to I would nip tuck things here and there. But todays sexy was yesterdays freak. Funny how life works out that way huh?


HNC eat your heart out!

Sorry Daddy

I decided to look for a new song for my myspace profile. I wanted something up beat and that would make you want to dance. So I began looking for something. I love the song Ain’t No Other Man by Christina Aguilera and was thinking of choosing it. So I went to her page but when I opened it her song Hurt started playing.Now mind you, I have been listening to Country and Christian music for many months now so I have no clue what pop music is out unless my daughter is telling me about it, so I have not heard of this song before. So I watched the video and proceeded to watch and cry my eyes out. It touched a raw nerve with me.

Growing up, I was made to believe that my father hated me and everything I did. Now you might expect this from a divorced couple right? The old “he said she said” battle that continues to poison our society, when in fact my parents are still married. I grew up hating my dad in return. Wishing his demise because I believed he hated me. I wanted to run so fast from that house at every chance and did when I joined the Navy. It wasn’t until I was in therapy that I discovered the truth, my mother hated him so she projected it on me. With her mental issues that I wouldn’t understand the full scope off until recently, she made me believe that he was a monster, unfeeling and cruel. That he never thought I would amount to anything and that I was untalented, overweight and stupid. This went on for over 30 years and could have continued for many more until fate stepped in.

I had noticed that my dad was different then I remember when he was around the grand children. I chalked it up to being a grandpa and didn’t think twice about it. But when John was give the choice of being stationed in New Orleans, I took it as a chance to make peace with the life I left behind in 12 years prior.

We had to live with my parents for the first few months until we could get a place closer to the base. After 24 hours of being around my mother the blinders I had on suddenly began to melt. She was starting with her old tricks but this time because I had been around other people for 12 years; her tricks weren’t working, so she became craftier in them.

One such trick was telling me my mean old father wouldn’t pay for her much needed anti-depressants and sleep aids.So being an advocate for the people that needed such medicine should have them, I confronted this tyrant. To my surprise he said he just filled it a week prior. He also proceeded to tell me why he had cut off her funds and other things that my mother was working on convincing me he was this evil man. She had started drinking very heavily and would ask for money to get bread, for example, and keep the change or hide the receipt when she had bought alcohol. She would then hide the beer or whatever and often become so drunk that by the time my dad came home she could barely walk. She wasn’t taking care of the house, she was starving herself for sympathy and would tell the entire neighborhood that my dad was an ogre there for she drank.

It was all lies.

I would never have seen the truth if I hadn’t been forced to spend more then a week for vacation with her. I would have gone on thinking it was my dad that was wrong and put her on this pedestal. It didn’t dawn on me until then that all the times I wanted to ask my dad for things like getting to go to a dance, she would say “oh no let me ask him. He might say yes coming from me.” And he would always say no, that she never asked him and used the opportunity to build on my hatred by saying that he didn’t trust me or flat out said no. It worked for a long time, but this time around my parents seeing them in this new light stopped it.

In watching my parents over the next two years that we lived in New Orleans made me realize that my father should get a medal for what wounds he has endured living with her. While he is not a saint, he has put up with her for almost 36 years. How he has lasted this long is beyond me, I can barely spend 20 minutes on the telephone with her without wanting to strangle her. She lies and schemes and drinks so much you can never tell what is real and what is imagined. She does things that defy reason such as collecting bones from dead cats to make wind chimes for goodness sake. She says she does this because my dad won’t give her money for real ones. Poor, poor mother. And she has called me Miss Sarah Heartburn my whole life. Gee I wonder where I got it from.

Now, she will hate me for saying these things and that I only see what I want to see. But don’t we all. Our perception is our reality. If it wasn’t and I could have chosen something else for my reality, believe me it would have been happy and fun, not dark and grizzly. My whole life was formed in that reality. Everything I have done is a direct result of that universe I lived in. Every mistake, every decision, every step I took was a manifestation of the world I grew up in, which for years I blamed my father for, but now I place that blame where it actually belongs.
For the first time I feel free.

When I discovered this a few years ago, I immediate saw sings of my mother in my everyday life: the laziness, the poisoning of my children. I decided then and there that I would break the cycle. I would do what was best for my family- I would get counseling and become a stronger person.

I am a better, stronger and smarter person now. So if my mother doesn’t want to speak to me after say that then it is her loss. I broke the cycle, which wasn’t easy, I stand my ground and I love my family the way it should be loved. I clean my house, I love my husband, I care for their needs and care for my own as well. Without manipulation, without lies, without the elephant of weight on my shoulder that I was a sell out because I got my husband a cup of coffee when he asked for one, hat I wasn’t a failure because I wanted to be a mother and a wife. That I wasn’t wrong in choosing to be like my mother-in-law, my neighbor growing up, and my aunt who were women who cared for the men and their families with the same importance as a CEO of a company.

So I will end this saying I am sorry Daddy for believing the lies for as long as I did. “I’m sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn’t do and I’ve hurt myself by hurting you.”

Hurt

By: Christina Aguilera

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face

You told me how proud you were, but I walked away

If only I knew what I know todayOoh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms

I would take the pain away

Thank you for all you’ve done

Forgive all your mistakes

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do

To hear your voice again

Sometimes I wanna call you

But I know you won’t be there
Ohh I’m sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn’t do

And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won’t admit

Sometimes I just wanna hide ’cause it’s you I miss

And it’s so hard to say goodbyeWhen it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?

Would you help me understand?

Are you looking down upon me?

Are you proud of who I am?
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do

To have just one more chance

To look into your eyes

And see you looking back
Ohh I’m sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn’t do

And I’ve hurt myself, ohh
If I had just one more day

I would tell you how much that I’ve missed you

Since you’ve been away

Ooh, it’s dangerous

It’s so out of line

To try and turn back time
I’m sorry for blaming you

For everything I just couldn’t do

And I’ve hurt myself by hurting you

Resolutions for 2007…

• To live the best life I can: mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, creatively
• To have a more active role in my health through exercise, proper eating, good nutrition and proper rest and relaxation
• To live every moment as if it was my last long before it is since life is too short
• To love with every fiber of my being
• To challenge myself mentally, physically and spiritually
• To laugh often and loudly (the good belly kind)
• To cry as necessary allowing myself to feel what I am feeling no matter how uncomfortable it might make other feel
• To hug lots
• To read something everyday it helps the mind to grow
• To write something every day as it is reading in reverse
• To reconnect with old friends and make new ones
• To put God #1 in my life because with out him nothing is possible

I am sure there are more in my brain but this is what came to me just now. What are your resolutions?

Becareful what you wish for

I am a living testament to this. In my last post I was whining about not having the energy or time to write blah blah… Well…just before Christmas I had some stomach flu like symptoms and left an hour early on Wednesday before Christmas. I came in for a few hours on Thursday but when the frequency of my trips to the bathroom increased I was sent home. I wasn't any better that night and missed my husband's birthday party. On Friday, I called in still not able to hold down food or even fluids. Working around pregnant women I thought it was best I not get them sick.

I had had a similar bout of these symptoms in late October (and missed 2 ½ days of work) I just assumed that it was me not being used to working in a germ filled environment. So I was sick over Christmas and finally able to hold down food on Christmas night. I went into work Tuesday after Christmas and it was a slow day and my supervisor was out. Went in the next morning and about 2 hours into the day I get called in to the office and told that due to my absences during my probationary period I would not be extended as an employee. That was the last day of my probation. So I was asked to turn in my badge and keys.

I started bawling like a baby. I started hyperventilating, said my good byes, gathered my stuff and left. Before I left I asked if it was something I did or if I was a good worker and she said it wasn't something I did and I was a good worker but policy is policy and they could keep me with that much missed work. So lesson learned even if I have stuff coming out of all openings still go into work.

Ironically I had a doctor's appointment because of the fact I still was sick so I went to it. Turns out I am diabetic, had yet another horrible kidney infection and my kidneys look to be in very early stages of kidney failure. So I did a bunch of blood work, have to check my sugars for the next six weeks as well as keep a diary of food, fluids, sugars, and symptoms so they can find a pattern.

The sucky thing is that with the loss of my job I lost my medical insurance. Isn't that just the luck I need, right? Well, my doctor is willing to work out payment plans on the visits and gave me samples of meds to get me through until something comes along. Thank God my father in law had an accu-check for me to use so I didn't have to buy one. I still haven't gone more then 48 hours with out being sick again. My sugars have been either really high or really low.

To add to it, my mother in law hates me. She can't even stand to be in the same room as me. She thinks I am running her sons life because I got fired again. And she won't listen to any reasons and how the two things while similar on dates are different in context. At first I thought it was just me being overly sensitive but when people around me commented and even my son asked why Grammy is mad, I am reassured it isn't just in my head. But what can you do? To quote a favorite song of mine "Just Breathe:."

That's all I can do. Unlike the last time I got booted, I am not angry and not depressed. Oh sure it sucks, but I have the confidence that I can find work again and be good at it, like I was there. I have to get healthy at the same time. I will find balance. So I am taking this time to write again and get some house cleaning done. I updated my website (actually I picked it Bripe updated it) and my myspace page. I will be on top again I promise….

In honor of the new year

And hopes it will bring a better life….

“I’m Moving On”

Rascal Flatts

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I’m at peace with myself

I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too longI

’m movin’ onI’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces

Each one is different but they’re always the same

They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it

They’ll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong

I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me

And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone

There comes a time in everyone’s life

When all you can see are the years passing by

And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t

Stopped to fill up on my way out of town

I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t

I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on

Forgotten Fall

After living south of the Mason-Dixon Line for the second time in my life, I couldn’t believe I had forgotten about it. Lying in bed watching the curtains dance in and out before me I realized I had forgotten how delicious the start of fall felt.

In the South there are two seasons—hot and hotter, but in Northeastern Ohio, we are blessed with four, beautiful in their own way, seasons. And by far fall was mine.

Right now the night air becomes crisp as the leaves begin their magical transformation from deep greens to hues of gold, red and orange.

The days have begun to shorten as we head toward winter. This shorter day is filled with autumn’s activities such as pumpkin patches, football games and hayrides. Coming soon are class parties, ‘trick or treat’ and the warm, inviting smells of cookies and pies baking in the kitchen.

Sitting by the fire at night is more enjoyable because the cold weather has driven off the pesky night biting bugs and brought your loved ones closer.

At night I have added an extra blanket on all of our beds. I pull mine up to my nose as I snuggle up close to the love of my life. He is always warmer then me so snuggling this time of year is the best of the best.

I am forever grateful that God has given me such a beautiful season to enjoy—and enjoy I will my forgotten fall.

A Bittersweet Evening…

Yes, as I sit and type this Johnathan is getting tucked in for sweet dreams leading to his first day of Kindergarten. I can’t believe that it is already here. Tomorrow he will take the lunch we packed together and the book bag filled with blankets and other necessities of a K grader, load the bus for Overdale Elementary.

It will be the first time he rides a bus of any kind. Johnathan is super excited to see what lay ahead on this next step in the journey called school.

He carefully picked out his blue buttoned down shirt and khaki shorts and laid them on the end of the loveseat so as to make easy access on the dash to the bathroom in the morning. He also completed the “assignments” his teacher Ms. Dorer gave him at the open house on Friday.

They mostly consisted of reading to him and him drawing things like his “favorite thing to do” but he enjoyed them. We carefully packed them in to the back pack as we explained that he will be doing a lot of that kind of work in school. He is wide eyed and ready to absorb all that is kindergarten.So good night sweet prince. We are so proud of you, even if we wish you could stay who you are right now forever.

Love,Mommy