Well I'm going to do it.

Well I'm going to do it.

I'm putting it out there for the world to see.

I'm setting a goal not a weight goal because that is just a number. I'm setting a lifestyle change goal.

I want to feel good & look good. I want to not only look half my age but feel half my age.

And my reward (besides the obvious awesomeness) is a tattoo from the famed Gas Chamber Inc in NC.

So it’s a road trip plus being tatted by Shannon Moore’s crew. (I may also get a piercing or two as well) I've always wanted to get tattoo but have always been too chicken to get one. Now I’ll use it a permanent marker of what I've accomplished.

I will post before-during-after pictures, as well as the trials and tribulations along the way for all to see. Something that freaks me out but I know will ultimately give me strength in the end.

Overcoming mental fears are as powerful as getting a better lifestyle.

So why all the dramatics? Because I am very good at starting and very bad at follow through. Especially when it is something hard for me. I will self sabotage myself every step of the way and not reach my goal no matter how bad I really want it.

Whether it is finishing a project that has great potential to push my career to the next level or to get really healthy again I find some way to f&#k it up.

But this time I really want this really bad. I need this really bad. Not just for physical health reasons, but mental health as well. I need to prove to myself I have what it takes again.

So as I push myself I beg of you please push me too. If I fall off the wagon, chastise me but tell me to push through and get back on. I need this. I will forever be indebted to those willing to help me in this endeavor.

An update from a "little late, but not to little"…

Well, it has been a smidgen over a month since I declared this year I would change my outlook and let the rest fall into place. Well, it is working!

I have not been dieting, but have been more conscious of what I eat and drink. In doing so I have inadvertently lost 12 pounds! The biggest change is how my clothes are fitting. I noticed that my pants were looser all over. That is because I managed to lose 4 inches in my waist and 12 inches in my hips!

Mind you the only thing I have changed is that I love myself more. Have I stopped eating ice cream or chocolate? Nope, if I want it I eat it. I am finding the happier I am with myself the less likely I am to gorge on crappy bad for me foods. In fact I have a beautiful King Cake that my boss got me in celebration of Mardi Gras and I fully intend on enjoying it!

So does happier = healthier? I am beginning to wonder why I didn't try this sooner.

Ode to my kidneys

As far back as I can remember I have always had problems with my kidneys. As I had children they became over worked and often infected. This caused them to weaken. By the third pregnancy my kidneys began to rebel.

After the very difficult 3rd pregnancy and delivery they really became taxed. I lost a lot of blood during the emergency c-section so they filled me with IV fluids instead of blood to build up my volume. After that nightmare, I began retaining inhuman amounts of water because my kidneys weren't processing it fast enough. I went to the doctor and was told this was "pregnancy weight" and to stop eating start exercising. During my appendix surgery my surgeon said they couldn't believe the amount of fluid in my tissues and they sucked a lot out. It wasn't until I had gotten really sick that I lost 50 lbs finally.

I was doing ok until we moved from Ohio to Slidell, and I sank into a deep depression. I was put on medication that caused an adverse reaction and it caused me to retain 40 lbs of water in 48 hours. I was hospitalized and tested for everything. I had kidney studies done and they said my kidneys were dilated but "inconclusive" I hate that word inconclusive. I was put on fluid restrictions and give diuretics. Even on the max dose I wasn't getting rid of the fluid. We moved on to base housing because I needed to be around people instead of the isolation I was feeling. I spent the next year and a half putting on another 60 lbs. not all water but still I put them on.

Finally made head way on losing some weight and then we transferred to North Carolina. I joined weight watchers and lost 40 lbs. So I know that isn't water. But every time I do any activities my hands and feet swell worse then when I was pregnant. I still am swollen everywhere. I don't sweat like a normal person and I am in the bathroom a thousand times a day and night.

We move back to Ohio and I do a cheer because my doctor who actually listens to me is here, I am sure he can help. He tries, but every test is inconclusive. I get the horrid spasms in my kidneys so they put me on antibiotics for months at a time. I finally started feeling better, until 2 weeks ago.
It began with horrible pains in my upper abdominal area. It got worse as the day went on, and I realized I had kidney stones. I started drinking like the world was coming to an end and I was right I gave birth to five stones in 2 days. I thought it was over.

This Saturday, I started having the pain again, so I started the routine of bottle of water then bottle of cranberry juice every few minutes or so. I noticed that I was bleeding. Great. I call the doctor he says go to the ER. Last time I did this they were inconclusive and I got a $3000 plus bill that I can't pay and still no better. So I choose not to go and I stuffer through the birth of 2 stones and the continuing pain and bleeding.

I am really beginning to think my kidneys hate me. Anytime I find happiness they have to act up and get all rebellious on me. I hate it. I am going to get into m doctor this week and try to go to a specialist. I just hope all my borderline sickness and inconclusive results are enough to get someone's attention to fix me before it is too late.

PS I am accepting donations..... of icecream....